A Walk With ESther~*

Decision Made

A-Walk-With-ESther — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 12:30:15 +0000

perhaps after wad i said y’day, its e day tt i lose him completely. was it due t PMS or …? i am in confusion nw. wad haf i done?

few mths ago, i vry much wanted him t come back t me & we will together 4ever. however after tis few days of outings & toks tt we haf, i finally knew tt we juz ain’t suitable for each other. i dun wanna care bout letting nature tk its cos. bcos i noe, everything is decided n controlled by ourselves.

lately, spending tym w him keeps making me pend n hope of reconcillation. but somehw i noe, some things tt happened between us juz cannot b forgotten. i forced myself t 4get n let go. but its juz useless… i am nt doing it rite @ all. perhaps, we r juz nt meant for each other. i can 4give him for wad had happened between us. but e scenes can nv b forgotten. e pictures. e words. n e things done. am i juz not being open minded enuff? now i understand tt there is juz no pt forcing myself t accept things tt i cant. cos i cant come t terms w it @ all.

tt day wen i was celebrating Sel’s b’day w W n gang, it mk me realised tt he is juz nt by my side wen i nided him. i sent him a very stupid sms. he did nt reply. it mks me understand even more tt he is nt who i want. it hurts me nw i noe. but it will heal. it juz nid some tym for healing. he, my baby taught me tis…

A-Walk-With-ESther — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:31:31 +0000

i am gut-less. no courage! lack of balls! haha~

A-Walk-With-ESther — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:27:39 +0000

hee~ juz received a call fr da bian zi. wahaha~ call fr BKK telling me tt he lost his hp in e cab. hw funny… bt lucky enuff. he isn’t using his own Spore sim card @ tt pt of tym. so heng heng lo…

wasn’t feeling vry happy juz nw wen toking t baby. somehw something triggers me t tok t him in such a manner. bad attitude i noe. bt cant help it lehx. den wn received DBZ’s fone call, feel much better n @ peace… wads wrong w me man? did i hurt baby w e things i said? i dun care…

A-Walk-With-ESther — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 10:12:17 +0000

hate wad i am gg thru nw. e days whereby u r so poor. with only $17 in ur pocket. i blame no one for wad is happening t me nw. cos ultimately, i caused all tis. i dun wanna live my life tis way. tis is definitely nt e kinda life i wanna live in. u may call me materialistic or greedy or wad ever. @ e end of e day, i am feeling miserable for being penniless. no one can survive w/o a single cent in their pocket.

i blame. yes. i blame tt y i cant choose which family i wanna b born t. i blame tt my family r all a spendthrift. bt still, i noe tis is wad i haf t go thru in life. t go thru this stage, i will b a stronger person. i dun haf t do things t prove t anyone tt i am an adult nw. i nid no one t judge me for who i am n hw i behave myself. i nid no one t ascertain me.

i gotta work hard. i gotta learn n earn loads of $$ cos i understand hw it feels t b w/o $$$ in e pocket. n i oso understand hw it feels t b wen u haf t tink THRICE b4 u spend ur $$$ on something. fuck~ i really detest my life @ tis pt of tym.

A-Walk-With-ESther — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 08:10:25 +0000

haven been blogging much lately. has been spending most of my tym w baby during e wkend. it mks me wonder. wad exactly do i c in him? wad r his gd pts? he’s nt very gd looking. he’s nt extremely nice n considerate. but y am i suffering all tis shit?

y’day i asked baby an extremely lame qn. ‘R u trying t woo me?’ no ans was given, but i heard only laughter. i felt angry e moment i heard his laugh. i tot, its juz a qn of whether yes or no. simply. he refused t ans. perhaps he juz tot tt i was forcing him into accepting me again. tt was nt my purpose really! all i wanted t noe is wad can i do nxt if he gave an ans. somehw, he juz wanted t avoid e qn n tink tt he is still in jitters wen being forced into a r/s. Hello!! for hw many bloody tyms muz i say? i am nt forcing u @ all. Uh~

received an sms aft hanging up e call. he apologised again n telling me e same old story. u c, i can ask myself e qn of wad i c in him etc etc. but e moment i told him tt we nid t move on, tears rolled dwn my cheeks n my heart ache alot… y? y did my heart ache so much??

A-Walk-With-ESther — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:46:17 +0000

bugger~ oh! i passed my M5 surprisingly… missing my baby nw!! =D

gdnite baby! muuuackz~

A-Walk-With-ESther — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:37:04 +0000

sales is wad i wanna do i jolly well noe tt. bt somehw… something is holding me bk. i dunno wads exactly is holding me. perhaps its e unsettled issue in my mind tt is holding me bk… it seems as thou i dun haf e courage t move on. i dunno y. baby said i shld b focusing on myself. yeah! i shld b doing tt rite? many thing set me thinking. really.

my mind is currently in a complicated mode. i tot i had sort things out during tis 5 mths. bt i guess i’m wrong. i only tot bout e unnecessary stuffs. for eg, e r/s pro. i nv really sit dwn t tink bout my life. wad i really want n hw can i get wad i want. wad e hell am i doing?? hw can i pluck up e courage t speak t e guys? i’m frightened n tis is y it is holding me bk. i noe. bt i juz wanna brush it aside… arrrgh~

A-Walk-With-ESther — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:23:11 +0000

hate it. am pulling all my hair out soon… its stressful. its mounting up. i hate this feeling!!!

e Mighty One. pls tell me wad t do!! show me e light. pls~~

Illusion Ended e Way It Is

A-Walk-With-ESther — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 09:57:09 +0000

met up w baby y’day. had dinner @ my fav plc, Oglio. e experience tis tym round is diff fr e prev latest one. e prev one sux big tym wen both of us ate keeping quiet n nt talking @ all. t let e atmosphere nt so tense up, i decided t tok more la. tok crap only. my forte anyway. =P

den after dinner we went t baby’s office t print some of my stuffs. headed t his ‘fav’ spot den after. had a heart t heart tok w him… finally it mks me understand tt everything was juz my illusion & i shld really stop all my nonsense. live my own life. no more hallucination.

told baby tt i regretted shoo much smsing him wen i was @ boiler e other nite. he totally understand hw i felt… he knew wad i wanted t say. fair enuff. i haf my fears, i hide my fears. but somehow rather i feel so much better t let him noe hw i felt. @ e very least, i noe tis is juz illusion n me giving myself a false alarm. =)

tym t grow esther! keep growing n stay happy. =D

A-Walk-With-ESther — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:39:40 +0000

mind is in total confusion nw… y cant i juz reject ppl upfront n nt causing ‘em t feel disappointed or wad so nt. i feel so useless u noe? wad exactly is rite n wrong? who exactly is in e upperhand nw?

y am i always on e losing end? i dun get it… fuck!